Our Views:
On Hot Or Not and other Picture Voting Sites:
We here at Chaotic Comics and our associates have noticed something funny going on with the sites. After spending a good deal of time on Hot Or Not (with most of us appear on there), we spotted a discrepancy in the way scores are tabulated. This has led us to several truths about such sites that we consider when reading the scores.
For instance, 'minority' pictures of good looking women will almost always have a lower score than those of the 'majority'. An associate told us his theory. He says that the web site is popular among grizzled Vietnam vets who give high scores to ladies who resemble family members and low scores to Asians, especially Vietnamese. He called it the "Grizzed Vet Gets Revenge" effect. Hmm...
The other thing that we noticed is that a women's score is proportional to the amount of skin that they show. Ever notice how a woman wearing a business suit will have a score between 6 and 8, while a head shot of a woman who appears to have nothing on gets like a 9 or a 9.5, regardless of how grainy the picture is. We call this the "Skin Boost Score" effect. In other words, a great picture of a nun will get a 4.5 or lower while a picture that's grainier than sandpaper of a woman that's in a tube top gets around 8.5, even if they're on the chunky side. So ladies, to improve your score, take whatever clothes you have on and subtract 2 items. Then take the picture. We virtually guarantee this will increase your score up 2 or 3 points from where it was before. Unless you are the size of L.A, in which case the more clothes you have on, the better. .
But what really got our noodles going was what a buddy of Brian's said in regards to men's scores. He said that there were people who would go on a site like Hot Or Not and vote 1 for all the men that would pop up. And they would do this for hours. Figures. So, in other words, men's scores do not necessarily reflect reality.
So, when calculating your real score, take these formulas into account. Men: Add 1.5 percentage points to whatever your score is if it is 7.0 and up. If lower, add 2 percentage points. That is your true measure of hotness, minus the voting habits of jerks. For women: add .5 percentage point if you are wearing lots of clothes, subtract 0.5 if wearing not much. Also increase by one point if you've done something artistic to your pic, like B&W or sepia, because jerks like to vote down artistic photos. And remember folks, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
On Anime Characters:
We here at Chaotic Comics watch a lot of Anime and read a quite of bit of Manga. In fact our comic was inspired at some point by various mangas and animes we saw. In doing so we saw a lotta things that keep cropping up.
For instance, the main hero is usually a guy or girl with mental problems (sometimes severe) who is usually minding their own business or doing their own thing when they get dragged into some mess (started by the main villan or the main villan's boss) or are pre-destined to become a hero because the 'powers-that-be' feel like dumping the universe's stupid problems on they lap. Rarely does anyone want to be a hero. Even rarely is the hero that wakes up one random hero and says "Gee I want to be a hero so I can slaughter hordes of enemies and get the chick that dresses like a Tijuana whore!" Nope, its more along the lines of "These motherfu*****, they blew up my house/dog/family/car and I'm gonna mess them up!"
Another thing that we have noticed is that the main villan is either trying to improve humanity or destroy humanity or something along those lines. SEE KIDS! THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU BULLY THE KID WITH THICK GLASSES! If you want to have a queit life, don't mess with the nerd, or he'll become a Dark Overlord (i.e. CEO of a Fortune 500 firm) and sicc aliens/demons/robots/zombies/the kitchen sink on you! And he'll laugh at you when you die/get possessed/whatever! So, be nice and don't encourage their dreams of darkness!
In every hero-driven anime, there is a chance a hero with extremely questionable ethics will show up. This hero will start out either as a villan, or a bad dude. He or she will either fight the main hero and/or his buddies, and clobber them until they're shown the error of their ways. This usually takes places after the main hero smashes them after a long and pointless battle. Then somehow, with a bit of flashy sappy dialogue or even a song and dance routine, the guy or girl joins up with main hero and his squad. So, why is the Jerk Hero so popular? Cause they're jerks. They're lovable jerks, despite the angst and tendency towards alcoholism and crime. As long as they become a hero, we love them. Even if they just shot a child's head off in the previous episode. In fact, that's a bonus.
In anime, the hero has a boyfriend or girlfriend who tags along for the ride. Before you feel sorry for them, think about the plot. Odds are either 1) The whole situation is their fault 2) Their presence on the battlefield makes the situation more tense/complex/convoluted or 3) they're insane or a clueless bimbo. Sometimes its all 3. For the love of me, we can't grasp why teenage heroines have to show up to the battlefield in their school outfit. What, is 5th period starting after the battle? Hell, if you were a teenage girl and you were surrounded by demons with a virgin fetish, what you wear? Your bathing suit, or Kevlar? Think about it. Also, if you notice, every time the lover saves the hero's butt, the hero feels thankful, but deep down inside, they feel like crap. Why? For example, male hero gets rescued by girlfriend who's power awakens, thus making her more powerful than him. Poor guy, he feels sad. Not only his pride shot, but now if he dumps her for someone hotter and/or younger, she'll blast his ass to the next dimension. It's like a wedding band, or a ball and chain. Yeah, hero dude, she owns your ass now.
This leads us to the main villan's girlfriend. Why is it that they must always 1) Dress in the skimpiest outfit available 2) Have the freakiest powers 3) Tolerate whatever physical or mental abuse dished out by the main villan 4) Have lesbian tendencies, probably due to 3? It doesn't help improve the image of women in the world, either. After all guys, which one would you pick? The one who's shy and introverted and not yet legal, or the woman who knows 26 ways to rock your world? And you wonder why stereotypes persist.
The main villan sometimes seems to be in the employ of an evil organization. This organization seems to be run by people with nothing better to do than raise the dead or employ demons. What, that yacht not doing it for you? Give it to me then! I'll put it to good use! If you're bored, play some mah-jong. Building a secret factory in the wasteland is so '70s, dontcha know? Not only that, this evil organization seems to be everywhere, hounding the main hero and his unstable posse. No wonder they want to destroy the "evil empire'! We would too if a bunch of geezers sent ninja spies and undead zombies after us every time we walk in the woods! Sometimes you see the main villan terminate a weaker villan in the name of their boss. What, no 401(k)? It's like working for Wal-Mart.
Picking Your Poison: thoughts on where to live
Do you remember when you were a kid and you would look at a map and think "Let's see, where do I want to live when I grow up?". We've all played that game. Of course, when we played, we'd ask our mom what she thought of the location. Well, the results weren't pretty. When it comes to mother nature, it truely is a case of pick your poison.
Alaska: Cold, cold, cold. Plus earthquakes, throw in melting permafrost and polar bears. Did we mention cold?
Northwest states: Earthquakes, floods, droughts, fires, volcanos. Hmm, sounds...peachy.
California: Everything, except Cat 3 hurricanes. Unless global warning really kicks in...
Southwest States: Heat, dust storms, drought that never ends, Yucca mountain. Well, no volcanoes.
Upper Midwest States: Cold, tornadoes, blizzards, and floods. Boredom also runs rampant here, if you get bored easily.
Lower Midwest States: Tornadoes, tornadoes, and more tornadoes. Even in January.
South Central States: Floods, hurricanes, tornadoes, ridiculous heat. Mosquitos here attack in swams that blacken the sky...
Great Lakes States: Blizzards, cold, hail. Exploding gas stations from static electricity don't help either.
Solid South States: A good mix of floods, tornadoes, and whatever hurricane gets past the Gulf. No good skiing either.
Florida and Puerto Rico: Those bloddy hurricanes again! If you hate winter, this is the place for you.
Atlantic States: Gotta love those hurricanes, but throw in blizzards and my personal favorite, fog. Bring a flashlight.
Northeast Corridor States: Cold, cold, and more cold. Snow half the year, if not then you know global warming is here.
Iraq (the 51st state): Sandstorms from the bowels of hell. Bring your body armor and face mask.
Minister Ray's Points of View (Though not welcomed or understood)
In the world today we have tons of belief, but they all mean one thing; mankind is a stupid violent creature that needs rules. In my vision of uh, Buckets of Blood, it's a world ruled by overpowered dimwits that should've died sniffing a scratch-and-sniff on the bottom of a pool (P.S. Do not attempt). For god's sake I myself have done dumb things like drove up to a KFC drive-thru and asked if they sold chicken and once they responded I got angry that it took them 10 minutes to say yes. Then in a display of sheer ignorance drove to rephrase my question that if they had live chicken (I know cause I wanted a pet) that I could eat later. I was on the bus even though I have a car, reading a bible. Every 30 seconds I would burst out laughing loudly saying the word vagina'. Why? I still do not know. When I find out, I will tell you. Later the same day, I will go to an auction house and bid for the dumbest thing I can find and bid 2 thousand dollars, then run like hell to the exit. I get broke money-wise so bad that I wonder what law should I break this week. I have spelled the wrong words in front of children for instance when I played a mall Santa I said "When are you going to these K-i-d-sss that there is no Santa Claus?" I was fired immediately after the kids were done crying and have been quoted saying "When I need a good laugh, I watch an autopsy." I shop for beautiful expensive lingerie for a girlfriend I don't even have. I shouldn't be around children yet I have job obligations to most day care centers. None have responded back, thank god, but I will not turn it down if they do. So please, if you get offended, by anything I say or do, you should take in mind that you're listening to a guy who's idea of safe sex is tagging all the sheeps that kick. And my brother accepts no responibilities on my behalf, he is the sane one, and I proudly admit I am not (especially after the sheep bit) I will obviously die an embarrsing death with the last words "Shut up I know what I am doing!" or being told "Put that down, that's not a toy you idiot!" This is from Minister Ray, with love.
Minister Ray's Points of View (Though not welcomed or understood)
This is Minister Ray and I have a few things to say. First, anyone who think Street Fighter's(TM) characters can beat mortal combat characters has to be taking some form of drugs to get that delusional. First of all, Street Fighter characters fight till the person's unconscious but Mortal Kombat characters will kill you, bring you back from the dead, only to kill you in a much more vicious and horrible way. And, the chracters on Street Fighter are just plain warriors with tiny issues, Meanwhile Mortal Kombat(TM) characters are deranged lunatics that know how to fight. I have seen MK VS SF 1 and 2 and I liked it, except for the ending, when the Mortal Kombat character lost. I dug a hole in the ground in my backyard, stuck my head in it, and preceeded to yell until what I saw made sense. Eventually the neighbors heard me thru their kitchen sink. And now for Inuyasha. Don't get me wrong, I like Inuyasha, that's why I HAVE to say this: I am glad Kikyo is dead, at least I hope so. Now she can stop bitching about wanting to die. If she had called the Suicide Hotline (TM) which I am sure she would have called numerous times if they had it back then, I would've told her to jump or swallow any sort of medication that she could get her hands on, and stop complaining. Kagome gets kidnapped more times than Robin in every Batman thing put together. I know Inuyasha is half-dawg, but I think she's the one that needs the leash. And why won't these rational thinking people just do it already?? They got more sexual urges towards each other than the entire Tenchi household, including the little girl (Who was over 100 years old, for legal purposes) I mean they're alone in the woods most of the time, WHY NOT???! If Miroku had it, the show would just be one gigantic half-hour orgy, I know that. He is the only one that's been slapped for touching young women's behind throughout the seasons. He's a bigger perv than Master Roshi and that's saying something. I think if he was born nowadays he'd be a porn director/actor than a monk. Imagine him writing for the Exorsist, girl strapped to the bed like that, GOD! Oh and I like Miroku anyway. And one more show, Neon Genesis Evangelion (TM) if you have seen the same movie I did (End of Eva) God wants nothing to do with that movie. Stop using the crosses. That stupid apocalypse, what kind of hero were these people thinking of?? I swear it gave Thanos from Marvel Universe the biggest boner I bet he ever had. That thing had nothing to do with the show at all, just some writer's excuse to wipe out the world he hates so much. I liked the SHOW, not the MOVIE IF you buy the movie (end of eva) do yourself a favor, take off your pants, squat over it, and do your business, because that's all it's good for, taking a crap on it and burn it. Paranoia Agent, I liked the anime, when it made sense (during those RARE moments few and far between) I liked the way it was written, the story was cool, but when it got towards the end, I was more confused than when I was watching Lain (TM). Confused like when that Sailor Moon and 7 Ballz thing, like what's the point of her being all confused. I am a minister, I take my shows seriously (I sound like the 700 Club, I know) at least I think that when somebody dies, they stay dead, I think. Did anybody actually die in this show? That's how confused I was. Did that kid die and become an ogre monster? Damn you Paranoia Agent!!! And in case you're out there too, damn you creator of Sailor Moon and the 7 ballz, I curse you to the 8th layer of hell!!!!!!!
PS: Don't bother pointing out that I still will watch these shows, making everything I just hypocritical, but I can live with being a hypocrite. I am a minister. Welcome to the Catholic Church...
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